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what it is. i don`t know [08 Dec 2006|09:13pm] but it seems as though it`s just you &&i now. i feel like i have nothing else to say &&i feel like there is nothing more i can do. this is just the way that it will be &&it hurts. *

How are you &&the boyfriend?!? [31 Oct 2006|12:49pm] WHAT BOYFRIEND!??$?#??#@ *

excuse me. this is war [27 Oct 2006|12:34am] i saw you this morning @@the bus stop. SNORTING A LINE that was all that you could make of your life purely disgusting. *

how long has this been on your mind? [29 Sep 2006|05:26pm] and i will wait here a while just long enough to be sure that you didnt make a wrong turn and ill wait long enough well maybe an hour or two before i decide it wasnt me, it was you it wasnt me, it was you and i would like you to know although it seems sad to say this was only the worst hour of my day the worst hour of my day how long has it been on your mind and do you think about when we laughed i think that its a big mistake cause i think that we could make it last even if its just for a while ill wait here for now just long enough to be sure that you really wanna go through with it cause i dont really wanna go through with it and do you really wanna go through with this *

SNAPPLE FACT #2 [28 Sep 2006|03:54pm] Animals that lay eggs do not have belly buttons. *

O-Levels!!! [11 Sep 2006|04:41pm] What in the name of arse is that supposed to mean? *

<3 [03 Sep 2006|10:21pm] Life can just be completely out of the ordinary &&yet sometimes it really can be extraordinary. Funny how things tend to work out that way. I`m so glad that i have the friends that I have. They accept me for who I am, understand me, &&love me for the way I am. &&I`m even more glad that I was able to get away from all the negative influences in my life. I have just come to the conclusion that if you can`t accept me for my personal standards then why keep trying to pursue me to be apart of your life? I am NOT going to change for you. I am not going to sit in a room with you &&a bunch of your friends &&get high just so I can fit in &&"be cool". No, I am not going to go to a party with you so I can get wasted &&you have a better chance of taking advantage of something that is not yours. &&I really don`t think that any of that is in any shape or form "cool". &&better yet, I don`t think it`s going to help me fit in, or be "cool", or have more friends, or anything to that extent. Stop trying. Stop talking about it. Every time you open your mouth &&speak upon your so-called "cool" actions about how high or how wasted you got last night.. the more it makes you look stupid &&incapable. You know... DO NOT sit back &&say that our friendship didn`t work out because I never called you or that I never did anything. You know for a FACT that all of that is a LIE. It`s not my problem that you have a problem with never being able to be wrong. I really don`t think that you know yourself as much as you think you do. I didn`t say anything to you. I didn`t DO anything to you, so why do you have to act this way? You`ve obvioulsy changed a lot. A LOT. I`m not saying that changing as you mature is a bad thing but when you change into something that is not you, that`s a different story. Thinking about trying marijuana because your boyfriend does it... come on, do you know how low that is? Do you have any idea how that makes you look? I wouldn`t be surprised if you party &&drink &&smoke &&all that. It`ll catch up with you in the end. When that end comes, do NOT come crying to me that everyone else in your life doesn`t accept you &&they`re mad @@ you &&blah.blah.blah. Just don`t do it. I`m done with being there for you when no one else will be. I`m over it. Sometimes I can`t think anymore, I feel like I`m sleep walking for weeks @@a time with a bit of knowledge of what I`m doing. Sometimes I feel like I can`t determine what`s reality &&what was dreamt. I`ve been so exhausted &&I`ve recently realized that I just can`t go on like this anymore. I need more sleep. The only problem is... I have a problem with sleeping. I wish it were easier to sleep. I mean, seriously, why is sleep so difficult? All I know is.. if I keep going on like this I`m going to crash. I`m going to crash HARD. I really want a break from reality. I just want to get away. No cellphone. No internet. Nothing. &&yet it`s so hard. I have to come up with some brilliant explanation for the parents on where I`m going &&why I need to go by myself. Apparently, this worries them a lot. I don`t know.. they think something terrible is going to happen to me if I`m all by myself. I just don`t understand why my mind is so distracted?! Everytime I try to clear my mind &&relax... something else comes flooding in. That puts me in an awkward position, I mean really... what am I supposed to do.. how am i supposed to truly relax? I can`t figure it out either, on what`s bothering me constantly. &¬ knowing bothers me even more. I`m not sad. But I`m not happy either. I just can`t put a description on what I`m feeling. I really start to get frustrated &&emotional when it comes to ...art. I don`t know what the deal is but I`ve had this "artists block" for over a year now. &&then some days... very rarely... I get in a mood where all I want to do is paint or draw. The only problem is.. they aren`t NEW ideas... it`s just working on the incomplete artwork from before. Like the last time I had one of these days I spent more than six hours straight, just painting. I just can`t grasp what`s causing this block. That`s truly why I have not been working on the Costco Mural. I was so excited for it too... EXTREMELY. It was a big deal, I guess. Having your artwork displayed in public, well technically yours with a mixture of everyone elses. &&now... nothing. It`s my fault. I feel really bad about saying that I was going to help &&then not helping at all. I just wish this bullshit would end. Life just seems so gloomy right about now. But really, there are so many great things in my life that help to even out all the negative &&emotional problems that I seem to be experiencing. I`m glad that I have found a friend that I can relate to &&experience a lot of things with. I can trust &&share a lot of my life with. A best friend who I can honestly say ..is.. the definition of a best friend. We just understand each other &&we`re compatible. There isn`t drama. There isn`t bullshit. &&it`s a 2-way friendship. I`m also happy that I found someone who is special to me, my boyfriend. I haven`t felt this way in a long time. Secure. Understood. Trusted. Loved. It`s just a great feeling to have. I just love the situation. Drugs &&alcohol do NOT influence or affect our relationship. I`m glad that I found someone who doesn`t fall into those categories. There is no partying. No abuse. No substance abuse. It`s just, how do you put it... amazing I really do question the decisions that I`ve made with relationships in general. Whether that is a relationship or a friendship. Why would I have put myself in a situation involving drugs &&/or alcohol?! What was I thinking? no.. really? I know that I can`t ever go back &&change that but I have most definitely learned from my experiences &&decisions &&that is why I am the way that I am. If you can`t understand that then you don`t &&shouldn`t be apart of my life. I don`t have the time to put up with it. I don`t have any intentions of changing but for myself. &&I don`t have any idea as to why I have to even hear of it. *

please forgive me [11 Jun 2006|08:19pm] so my mom got her rabbit; shes adorable. her name is OREO she's practically my favorite. it looks like she is wearing eyeliner. got my tattoo. i love it. work was kind of boring today. lots of standing around for hours on end doing nothing. so its official. i got the final answer. &&on top of that i was pretty pissed about yesterday. went to the drive-in last night. the first time in a long time. haha!! gooooooooooooooooooood times. later *

i still think about you. [09 Jun 2006|09:15pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | breathe - telepopmusik ] the music was so loud i could feel it in the gas pedal. that song. it reminds me of you. i love that song the most. &&theres others. i hate how songs have become devoted to your being. &&what i love the most. how i am able to talk to you all the time. &&whenever i want. &&its the best feeling to know that you`re truly there. &&whats even better, that you actually listen to me. got my yearbook today. &&the best part about it. i didn`t have to pay for it. i wasn`t going to get one &&then my parents went ballistic about it. so they paid. i`m not going to complain. i love my new job. it`s amazing. so laid back. mmmmmmmm i can wear what i want basically; well nothing crazy haha. but its gooooooood. ♥ ♥ ♥ today was basically the last day of school. now the finals. asked mr. netland if i was in danger of failing &&he kind of got mad &&said that with my intelligence level i should not be asking him such a ridiculous question.. ? so i took that as a no. hmmmm then the class, we did our thing. we went against mr. netlands ban on having circle time &&we took the entire class time to do it. I didn`t want to participate because i wanted to finish my essay that was due last monday but he was like "no, no, no, no, no..... turn it in on monday" obviously im not going to complain with that. ♥ you never really realize what you had until it`s gone. i really know that feeling over &&over &&over again. in different situations. i hate that. i feel it again. over something really stupid but it`s there. i think it may be pointless. whatev i`m kind of scared, i`m not going to lie. but at the same time i`m so excited it`s ridiculous. i`m getting my tattoo tomorrow. mmmmmmmmmmmmm ♥ we`re getting a baby rabbit tomorrow. &&when i say baby;; i mean a BABY! it fits into the palm of your hand. awwwwh. you have no idea how cute it is. ♥ so basically. that is all for now. except i keep reminding myself i really have to FINISH that stupid mural next week. augh. i really don`t want to. but i`m just going to have to. the end. *

you make me sick [09 Jun 2006|04:51pm] i dont understand you. i dont know why you do the things you do. i dont know why you hate me so much. i dont know what i ever did to you. i dont know why you wont explain it to me. i dont kow why i ever tried. i dont know what to do. the end *

oh yeah [06 Jun 2006|07:35pm] thats it. im officially writing this here message from a school computer.. SUCKAAAASSSSSSSS you`ve been hacked. *

the break-up! [05 Jun 2006|10:54pm] was hilarious. &&that is all oh &&crap. netty`s log&&essay was due today. what am i to do. uhm i`ll turn it in wednesday!? sheewwwwwwwwtttttttttttttt *

tahuya [05 Jun 2006|04:53pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | the brilliant dance. dshbrd ] mountain hiking today @@Green mt. was intense. went with the familia. FOUR miles. apparently the trail goes all the way from seabeck to tahuya. long ways. thank god we turned around &&came back. caron`s tomorrow. a bit excited. still have to give paige her card. he called last night. it was so nice to talk to him even though it wasn`t that long. it pretty much made me feel a lot better. drive-in this weekend. oh yeah. can`t wait to hangout with my girl soon, yeeeeeeeeeahhh. we`re gonna go see the break-up. i think im going to wear my hair curly tonight. it feels good to have a change. toyou♥ 3 eternal sunshine *

structure.plans.ideas. [04 Jun 2006|07:23pm] oh how i love that you are not capable of using dein Handy. Du bist sehr bloed. augh. it makes me sick. especially that guy that couldnt find his way. so glad i didnt go to the drive-in last night considering it started to rain around 1:00ish or something. that damn siddhartha essay deal is due tomorrow. i'll turn it in tuesday. 8 more REAL days of school. it gives me this weird feeling of sadness &&yet more excited &&thrilled than anything else. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i`ll def have more time for the BEACH. oh sweet love. Kbye. ♥ add;;mm your home phone is a weird way to contact you. at least i know now about your phone. but still. whats with the distance? obviously there is a bad feeling. so confused &&add;;why the hell doesn`t my iTunes work. omfg. i think im going crazyINSANE *

mmm [03 Jun 2006|06:18pm] [ music | boom boom boom ] its been a long long long time i guess i got so absorbed into myspace i kinda meh, forgot. a lot has gone on. its been pretty much hell if you ask me. but things are looking up now. new jobs. school is almost over. prom was good. been getting out and enjoying my life with friends. going to dinner. its been up &&&down. as about right this minute. its down. im so sick of dealing with the same crap over and over and over again but with different people. so im not going to deal with it anymore. im not trying. im just going to let it float over my head. not bothering me. &you know its funny. i still think about you. &&the sight of you makes me sick. i get so angry augh i dont know why. i guess i just never had someone screw me over so bad before im thinking that you pretty much HATE me but you really have no right to hate me since you are the one who is the problem. you`re the one who said all those stupid things that obviously didnt mean shit in the first place. you obviously dont know how to miss anyone or care about them because all you know how to do is say things you dont mean (the moment?) &&then just screw them over. i dont know you anymore. i dont know who you are or what to think of you. the truth is imissyou but i miss the person that i knew before the old you but im not taking any effort on any part of it. the end. *

uhh [15 Dec 2005|09:57pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | hot hot heat ] so how come i got the low down on affection and now its kicking me in the ass &now its a problem for me? wtf. this is confusing. i dont know what to do. or what to say. so im going to let it go *

<3 <3 <3 [04 Dec 2005|12:03am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | emerge;;fischerspooner ] OMG OMG OMG!! THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY!! I CANT WAIT// ♥♥♥♥♥ MY MOM COMES HOME! ITS GOING TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! ITS HELL HERE WITHOUT HERE. i love my mom ♥ *

your such an addiction. [27 Nov 2005|11:10pm] [ mood | blank ] i was standing on the beach, it was such a gloomy day. the water was so far out. the wind was blowing, blowing the sand across the beach softly. i stood there alone. looking around for anyone. no one. it was rather cold. i held onto myself in my hoodie. i had gloves on, i was so glad. but then i remembered why i was there. i was waiting. you said you'd come. you said you were going to meet me. but i waited. alone. you never showed up. &it was sad because i waited too long. i became bored. starting to walk towards the water i saw something walking up to me from the distance. i thought, how weird, since there was no one out there earlier. i didnt think of it too much as i continued to walk. as i got closer i noticed it was you. i felt so angry &confused. so i put my head down and continued to walk. you stopped, i saw your feet. you stood there as i walked by. i was assuming you'd be looking at me funny. i kept going. you yelled out my name in confusion. i stopped, turned and asked you what. you were wondering why i passed, werent you. and you did. i didnt answer. you told me you changed your mind. you realized. and then i felt even more mad. you started to walk towards me. i felt a tear down my cheek. i told you to stop. you asked why. i told you that it was too late. i was done waiting. you didnt listen. you tried to grab my hand, why would you do that? it wasnt going to make it better. it made it worse. i looked at you with confusion. &then i left. it was over. 1 eternal sunshine *

what a joke [27 Nov 2005|01:40am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | better off alone ;; alice deejay. HA ] i cant believe it. they worship you. not one, but two. haha i feel sorry for myself. getting involved. what was i thinking? i guess the whores &sluts always win. damn, well isnt that a shame. for them i mean. having to put yourself out there just to get a piece of mind. or in their case, a piece of ass. even though im still lingering in space. i know that im worth more. &i LOVE that feeling. knowing it. seeing it will still hurt for awhile. but im glad that i know i'll get over it. it almost seems like no one will ever understand. i dont know how to be around you anymore. what to say. how to think about things. what my LIMITS are. i hate how it happens to me. why i cant find better. or to know that i will find better. it really puts a damper on things, dont you think? i cant believe that you went by what other people were saying and based your decision on it. who gives a fuck what other people think. or how they react. its all about you. not them. are they going to have to make up your mind for you for the rest of YOUR life? what is the deal with that concept. can someone explain that to me because im having a difficult time understanding it. of course i never lied to you. what would drive me to do something like that? why would i want to fake myself out like that? i wouldnt. i never will. &i'd never want that either. i feel completely unhuman right now. im having these weird out of body experiences, where i picture in my head what the outside view looks like of me. i hate feeling unreal. i question existence way to much. maybe thats why im not the same. it is really unfortunate that i was just tossed around. im starting to progress this idea that this is going to continue for awhile until something amazing comes along. i mean jeez, whats the deal with starting over? nothing. that moment was a complete contradiction. it appeared to me as if the official thoughts were not set and things were said that should not have been said. or was that just me. i got my snowboard today.it was the most amazing day ever. i was so happy i was speechless haha. the guy brought it out and i was off in space just staring at it and hes all asking me if im goofy or regular and i didnt notice he was talking to me for like 10 sec. HAHA i felt so stupid. OH MAN and then he brought it out all put together and he was all saying how it was such a good set up and how he wanted to ride it now. i was thinking in my head [okae.. okae.. breathe.. just hand over the board.. just HAND IT OVER!!!!!!!!!!!] oh;; it felt so good just to hold onto it and know that it was mine, all mine. &i worked my ass off to pay for it. it was a great feeling. it was LOVE at first sight. sweet love. its the best love i've had in awhile. ♥♥ so in assumption i chew too much gum. oh yeah. i have over worked my jaw joint. so now it is inflamated and sore &it hurts &i dont like it &so i callout of work. i think they were getting irritated with me today. i went to turn in my medical note from the e.r. and then i went to buy something to drink [and talk to ava &alex].. i was getting strange stares. so after that awkward moment i decided i should make a run for it. thank goodness i dont have to work tomorrow. or else i wouldve had that excused too. im not in the mood to deal with the public right now. no chewing gum for awhile. so now i have to find something to keep myself occupied so i dont become drastically bored. this should be fun. tomorrow i dont feel like talking to anyone. but im going with rachel to get pictures taken with santa. haha. oh yeah. cuz thats how we do. then i definitely need some alone time. im going to draw. i want to draw whats on my mind but thats awfully hard. i think i've lost a touch in the drawing area. im always so blank about it. i need some desperate inspiration. i had one. but it didnt like me too much and then made a run for it. so thats out of the question. this is in reference to the subject above. i miss my mom ♥. i wish she could be here so i could talk to her she`d understand everything she`d let me know everything is okae i talked to her yesterday i just broke out in tears i couldnt handle it. i still have to wait 2 weeks this saddens me i cant wait to drive to the airport to pick her up i`ll have flowers &coffee &love &it will be such a happy day just thinking about it makes me happys it wont be so quiet around here anymore i`ll have my mom to talk to ♥♥ *

>insert happy face [24 Nov 2005|01:38pm] [ mood | blah ] >sigh< so its thanksgiving. &/ im greatful for a lot of things in my life and im also ungreatful for a lot of things in my life so i guess you could say that a lot of them cancel eachother out. i wish my mom was here. @ least i got a chance to talk to her on the phone, and that was hard. i couldnt talk too long, it was far too upsetting and then i started to tear. my mom found out that my grandpa died from some rare cancer that spreads through the body rapidly with no cure. that was pretty upsetting. for some reason i dont feel like talking. i dont feel like seeing anyone. i dont want anyone to see me. i want to hide from the world for today. i just want to be alone. and think. i want to know the answers to some things in life. but i know i'll never find them. or have them answered. i dont know. is there something wrong with me? im not understanding this concept of what is going on. for the past 2 years. its been the same thing. over and over. & i finally think its over. no more trying. im done. and i love that feeling. but then it makes me sad. i just want to have my snowboard. &then to go and ride it. ohhh joy! im going to hold it for a long time. and then watch tv with it. and cuddle with it. and take pictures of it. HAHAHA OKAE SO I WAS TOTALLY JOKING! HAHA THAT`D BE SO WEIRD. but i will take pictures and im going to be totally STOKED about it. oh im going to love sunday. 5 eternal sunshine *

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